My daughter had her 15 month pediatrician appointment recently, and we learned that although she grew a few inches, she gained almost no weight. She's been sick the past few days before her appointment with a stomach bug and then a runny nose and fever thing, then I was sick with a stomach bug. Her daddy is also a tall and skinny person. All that combined provides us with a simple, non-emergent solution: up her intake of healthy fats such as avocado, peanut butter, cheeses, etc.
The emotional solution is for me to feel an overwhelming sense of shame, guilt, and worthlessness. I'm the one whose milk isn't fatty enough. I'm the one who she won't eat around because she'd rather nurse. I'm the one in charge of her all day and in all external appearances it seems like I don't feed her. I'm the one who battles with a screaming toddler throwing the organic cheese stick on the floor so she can pull at my shirt to get to mommy milk. I'm the one who gives up and gives her to my husband to put her down for a nap, because she won't go without nursing with me. I'm the one who "caused these behaviors" by nursing on demand. I'm the doula who should know how to handle these problems and work through them with patience and grace.
I'm the problem.
The mommy wars are not just between each other, they are within ourselves.
I am working on forgiving myself. I am working on listening to my husband when he says this is not my fault. I am believing that no other species starts drinking another's milk due to their own inadequacy. I know there's little wrong, and with easy changes she'll be better.
My daughter is otherwise healthy, thriving, happy, energetic, extroverted, amazing, stubborn, full of life and love.
I am enough.