Trauma Healing Series Introduction
My experience of sexual trauma during pregnancy and childbirth, healing that trauma through reiki and de-armoring techniques, and my continued witness of other's experiencing trauma has prompted me to start a new blog series.
I had to have a cervical exam at 34 weeks due to a preterm labor scare that sent us to the hospital. The hospital doctor dug around trying to find my cervix to see if I was dilated. His fingers scraped my insides as the bones of his hands ground against my pubic bone. All the while he proceeded to tell me that he would never let his wife give birth in a hospital because it isn't really a safe place to have a baby. One of the movements your cervix has to make besides dilating, is moving from a posterior to an anterior orientation aka moving from facing your back to your front/center. A posterior cervix can be difficult for a practitioner to reach, and when some discover the cervix to be that far back, they don't try and reach it. This provider didn't practice that way. Even though I stopped having contractions, and wasn't in labor, I wasn't allowed to go home unless I had a cervical exam. The doula in me now knows I could have refused, but at the time I didn't know I could say no. I shut myself down in attempts to ignore the pain, the invasion, the loss of control over decisions and myself. It took a lot of self healing work to not be triggered by similar sensations and to connect with my partner again.
I see this over and over again with my clients. Not giving consent, and even revoking consent only to have those pleas fall upon deaf ears. Being told to "just hold still", "breathe through it", "it'll be over shortly", "I have to do this, you don't have a choice" are phrases I hear spoken by providers, nurses, and well meaning partners. I've seen women physically crawl away from the hands of their provider, only to have the provider keep at what they are trying. I've seen an anesthetist touch a woman's clitoris after giving her an epidural to see if it took. Let's be clear I'm not talking about any sort of life saving touch or measure, I am talking about something being done to a women simply because another person wants to do it.
There's a controversy about sexual assault during childbirth being a "real thing". Either because some truly believe a woman has no right to her body when she is pregnant (or any other time), or because other's believe care providers always know best, and would never do anything unnecessary.
Maryland law (and other states similarly) defines a first degree sexual offense as "Engaging in a sexual act with another by force, or the threat of force, without the consent of the other and: ... - Threaten or place the victim in fear that the victim, or a 3rd person known to the victim, imminently will be subject to death" The later part of the law I see expressed through coercion regarding the baby's health and survival. How is there doubt that sexual assault exists and matters in childbirth? There are cases where the woman has video evidence, and still nothing is done, or it takes years to even get a lawyer, see a judge, and have the case resolved. Woman are scorned for being upset at their birth experience, especially if they "have a healthy baby".
Trauma in childbirth is real, it is a problem, women need the space and support to heal from it, and the medical system needs to change. This is the start of a blog series that will discuss implied vs explicit consent, healing birth trauma, finding your sexual autonomy again, and more.
Nursing in Public
"I'm sorry, but I have to feed my baby."
"I'm sorry, but my baby is hungry."
"I'm sorry, I forgot my cover."
"I'm sorry, she's almost done."
The quotes go on as to what various women will say when confronted by a stranger, family member, or friend about nursing their baby. There were some social experiment videos recently about a woman and her partner going around nursing in public and seeing people's reactions.
I actually quite dislike these videos, but not for the obvious reason of people's reaction to her nursing. I dislike the videos because of her own reaction to her nursing.
The first thing she does, is apologize. "I'm sorry...." Then when someone says they don't have problem with her nursing, she says "Thank you".
Nursing moms, you have no reason to be sorry, apologetic, or grateful about nursing in public. The initial reaction of apology indicates that you've done something wrong. There is nothing wrong with feeding your baby with the most natural, normal, healthy method that exists.
Nurse how you are comfortable, be that covered or uncovered. I am a huge fan of the two shirt method. I always wear a tank top (plain, non-nursing specific $5 tank top, I'll stretch out and throw away), under a normal shirt. I think this is more discrete than a cover. Most people have no idea I'm nursing, unless they see me get set up for it.
Nurse when your baby wants to nurse. In most states the law protects you. You have the right to nurse however you need, wherever you have the right to be.
I've heard the stories of women being harassed while nursing. Personally, I've been disappointed. I was so looking forward to getting to argue the rights of a nursing mother! I have my rhetoric down. But, the only stranger that has approached me actually complimented me and thanked me for nursing my baby in public.
My family are the ones who have given me the most problems. When expressing that I have no shame about feeding my baby, I was told while maybe I should. How to approach family members is set for a different blog post all together!
Sorry, but I'm not sorry I'm nursing. I am sorry that a stranger is so self involved they think their comfort would be of any importance to you over your baby's. I am sorry that their eyes don't seem to work enough to simply look away. I am sorry that everyone is telling women to breastfeed, and simultaneously telling them to feel shame. I am sorry that the mom who wanted, but wasn't able to breastfeed is now lashing out at other moms who can. I am sorry that men feel breasts belong to them. I am sorry that a sexualized breast can not have more than one function.
There's a lot to feel sorry about in regards to breastfeeding, but nursing your baby in public is not one of them.
Covered or uncovered, shirt pulled up or shirt pulled down, newborn or toddler, Nurse how you are comfortable and don't apologize.
We live in a world where almost everything has to do with efficiency, speed, and time.
There are studies that show a little less than half of website users will abandon a site if it takes more than 3 seconds to load, and that even a 1 second delay decreases customer satisfaction by about 16%.
Schedules are strict, lateness isn't tolerated. In 7th grade my science teacher taught us "To be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, and to be late is not to be".
Multiple day shipping times were too slow, enter two day shipping for a yearly fee. Two day shipping was too slow, enter one-hour local shipping.
Various pizza websites now have trackers so you can see exactly where your pizza is and when it will arrive.
This world of time, schedules, and instant gratification makes for a difficult mentality going into pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. We are so used to getting what we want, when we want it, and it feels uncomfortable and dis-satisfactory to experience otherwise.
Due dates are the most unpredictable day you will ever have written down. Highly inaccurate, only ~5% of women will give birth on their due dates; but in our calendars they are written, and the acceptable amount of lateness clock begins. The longer time goes on, the more uncomfortable everyone feels.
Failure to progress is the number one reason obstetricians give for unplanned c-sections. When women are simply given more time, c-section rates are reduced. Although a small study, it was found recently that even just giving laboring women an extra hour of pushing time (4 hours instead of 3) the c-section rate went from 43% to 20%. Many women will be told they are "complete", fully effaced and dilated, told to start pushing, and they end up pushing for a longer time than if they let the baby descend on its own before actively engaging in pushing efforts.
Cervical checks, although policy is different with every care provider, are done about every two hours. Every time a woman is given an exam her rate of infection increases. It also disrupts the laboring woman's rhythm of coping. Instead of observing the woman for changes, or simply leaving her to labor on her own, care providers "HAVE" to know what state her cervix is in. Check if it feels like there's a reason to, not because a clock said to.
It is difficult to handle decades of specific feelings regarding lateness, schedules, time, and instant gratification. Labor is organic, and will unfold naturally at its own pace and time.
Some activities to help prepare your body for the unknowing feeling of time in labor
- Don't check your phone as soon as you get a message, wait in that unknowing discomfort
- Go camping and leave your clocks at home! Not only will this help reset your sleep cycle, it will also help you become in tune with your body's inner clock. Eat when you're hungry, nap when you're tired. Rest and be centered within yourself
- Walk a labyrinth, twists and turns that take you farther from your end goal, but are a necessary part of your journey
Talk to your care provider about letting labor start on its own and unfolding naturally. As long as mom and baby are healthy and thriving, you always have more time. Have your doula help you BRAIN (Benefits, Risks, Alternatives, Intuition, Nothing) your options and see if more time is all that is needed.
My daughter had her 15 month pediatrician appointment recently, and we learned that although she grew a few inches, she gained almost no weight. She's been sick the past few days before her appointment with a stomach bug and then a runny nose and fever thing, then I was sick with a stomach bug. Her daddy is also a tall and skinny person. All that combined provides us with a simple, non-emergent solution: up her intake of healthy fats such as avocado, peanut butter, cheeses, etc.
The emotional solution is for me to feel an overwhelming sense of shame, guilt, and worthlessness. I'm the one whose milk isn't fatty enough. I'm the one who she won't eat around because she'd rather nurse. I'm the one in charge of her all day and in all external appearances it seems like I don't feed her. I'm the one who battles with a screaming toddler throwing the organic cheese stick on the floor so she can pull at my shirt to get to mommy milk. I'm the one who gives up and gives her to my husband to put her down for a nap, because she won't go without nursing with me. I'm the one who "caused these behaviors" by nursing on demand. I'm the doula who should know how to handle these problems and work through them with patience and grace.
I'm the problem.
The mommy wars are not just between each other, they are within ourselves.
I am working on forgiving myself. I am working on listening to my husband when he says this is not my fault. I am believing that no other species starts drinking another's milk due to their own inadequacy. I know there's little wrong, and with easy changes she'll be better.
My daughter is otherwise healthy, thriving, happy, energetic, extroverted, amazing, stubborn, full of life and love.
I am enough.